An Early Look: Some Guys In Ugly Helmets

The visual definition of pwned

So I guess we play some team called "Michigan" to close the season. They hail, no pun intended or wanted, from some post-apocalyptic wasteland of a state directly to our north, filled to the brim with roving bands of cannibals, degenerates, and Scandinavians. They were once pretty good, and they're looking to start not sucking again in 2009. Yours truly believes the Rich Rodriguez Experience will end up paying off for the Mutated Mongooses, but not so fast, my friends. They still need to prove they can field competent safeties, linebackers, quarterbacks, offensive linemen, defensive tackles and cornerbacks. Their punter is pretty solid, I hear.

Alright, for serious: Michigan probably won't go 3-9 this year, but there is still a distinct possibility that they will not make a bowl game. There are just too many holes on a team that will be relying, for the most part, on two talented true freshman quarterbacks, to reasonably expect any more than 8 wins. Even the experienced guys that are brought back on the defensive side of the ball are operating under their 3rd defensive coordinator in three years. It isn't quite a recipe for disaster, but it might be a recipe for 5-7. Do they have a chance against Ohio State? Well, without getting all "THROW OUT THE RECORDS" on you, the answer is yeah, probably, and I'm gonna try to tell you why.

Michigan players you should care about:

I actually struggled to come up with guys after Brandon Graham, a probable first day draft pick that you should already know fairly well, but that's not because I don't think Michigan has anyone worth caring about; it's just that Michigan as a whole was so unthreatening last year that it made it hard to pinpoint guys that will be of particular and immediate importance. First, Brandon Minor will be central to Michigan's offense this year, as he will have to shepherd along true freshmen Tate Forcier and Denard Robinson. The second guy, or rather, set of guys that you should also be aware of: shifty little slot bastards like Martavious Odoms, Terrence Robinson and former UM roundballer Kelvin Grady. While I anticipate they will be used mostly on bubble screens again this year, they're a dangerous weapon in Michigan's spread-option attack and they will begin taking on a greater role as the offense begins to resemble West Virginia under Rodriguez in terms of execution and complexity.

Fun with Statistics!

How bad was Michigan's defense last year? Most Michiganders (worst state denizen term ever) think it was the worst in the history of the program. Michigan finished 67th in total defense, 88th in passing defense, and and 50th in rush D. They surrendered 200 or more yards through the air on 8 separate occasions, and nearly had a 9th against Northwestern. They held only two teams to single digits on the scoreboard: Miami of Ohio and a truly magnificently stupid Minnesota team.

The passing offense was lulz: Michigan passed for 168 or fewer yards in all but three games, and didn't get out of double digit yardage totals through the air in four different games.

The rushing offense was deceptively not terrible: It was non-existent against Utah, Illinois, and Michigan State; and that isn't exactly a murderer's row of rushing defenses. But later in the year, it started coming on just a bit, netting 987 yards against Michigan's last six opponents, including a 200-yard outing against Penn State and a 100-yard day against the Buckeyes.

My Prediction

If Michigan is vastly improved over last year, expect this to potentially become the 2nd-most hyped game on Ohio State's slate. Michigan fans will mark this on their calendars as the "statement game", where they announce to the college football world that the Wolverines are back. They will be wrong. Michigan's defensive line is simply too thin and too young to contain Ohio State's rushing attack, and the safeties are green, which means an improved Terrelle Pryor should be able to play fast and loose with his passes - even if he's still struggling on slants and outs, Michigan's safeties probably won't make him pay for it. The Michigan offense will move the ball, as it did last year, but this time, it will score points. Michigan will have the chance to win this into the second half, but Ohio State will have to work for that to happen, in the form of turnovers and penalties.  Ohio State will dominate the trenches in the second half on both sides of the ball and leave Ann Arbor with a 30-20 win.

A Wolverine's Thoughts: Generalissimo Chitownblue of the Wolverine Liberation Army was "kind" enough to answer my questions about the 2009 Michigan Wolverines. I probably should have asked someone sane, but here goes:

1. Tate Forcier, for all intents and purposes, has the starting job locked up. But he's a freshman, and Michigan's system frequently puts the quarterback in open space. Let's say a WMU linebacker decapitates him in week one. Is Sheridan really the next guy out on the field?

Your $tupid $uckeye mind probably can't fathom this, but there is virtually no correlation (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/correlation, for $tupid $uckeyes) between the number of times a QB runs and his likelihood of injury.

There are a number of us who believe that of the two freshmen QB's, Denard Robinson will end up getting more playing time than Tate Forcier. Robinson was likely the single fastest recruit in this year's college football recruiting class (by virtue of setting Florida's 100M record), and seems to be a faster version of Rodriguez's beloved Pat White. If Tate gets injured, or struggles, I think the siren call to put Robinson in the game will be too strong - regardless of how much Sheridan has "improved". Perusing practice reports, it's clear that Robinson is much more ready than the fan base gave him credit for - it's no longer fait accompli (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fait+accompli) that Forcier remains the starter for the duration of the year.

2. Is it safe to say the natives are restless, or am I taking the Michigan Scout and Rivals boards, and to a lesser extent, the MGoBoard, a bit too seriously?

The natives may be restless, but most of the natives are also stupid. These are people who wanted to run Lloyd Carr out of town on a rail as early Week 3 of 1998 because we lost our first two games of a National title defense. Yes, people who can't see why losing 7 offensive linemen to a combination of injury, apathy, and a$holery ($uck it, Boren) and playing a walk-on pocket QB in a system that needs a mobile QB would result in 3 wins are upset about Rodriguez "squandering talent". You know the people who want Tressel ousted because he "can't win big games"? That faction of our fan base is restless. Thankfully, Bill Martin makes the decisions on the hiring and firing, and not angry mobs.

3. On a 1-10 scale, how much confidence do you have in Greg "Gerg" Robinson? Do all the new "hybrid" positions, with their high-falootin' nicknames like "spinner" and "deathbacker" excite you?

Thick, lustrous, cascading hair - naturally occurring without the benefit of conditioner. To be able to run your hands through his awe-inspiring mane... [ed. note. He actually wrote that. What? Don't you like your rivalry with homosexual undertones?]

It couldn't get much worse. While a poor head coach, he seems to have always been a capable DC. The names, oh the names. People need to stop it dwith the names. Really, there aren't hybrids - there's an OLB for whom coverage skills are a priority, and one for whom pass-rushing skills are a priority. But they're just OLB's.

4. Removing the Maize and Blue rec specs, how do you think Michigan's season will end, record-wise, barring catastrophic injuries?

16-0. We'll steamroll all opposition, win the BCS Title, and then play the teams who finish 2-3-4 to solidify our dominance. Or 7-5. 50/50.

5. Give us a prediction on the Ohio State game.

While Columbus houses a dictatorship that sold out college football's interests; while Columbus houses a dictatorship that made the most onerous concessions to academically inelgible scum such as Maurice Clarrett; while Columbus housed a dictatorship that betrayed the good graces of porches everywhere, nobody attacked it; these press campaigns were not waged against it abroad; the media did not speak out to censure it. While it housed a miserable traitor, a turncoat who left to plow his father's driveway, these campaigns were not waged against Columbus, or against Tressell. While it housed a quarterback with a perplexing predilection for white corvettes; while the republic was governed by the most vanilla of offensive game plans, these campaigns were not waged against them abroad. While dozens of prostitutes were being propositioned by backup quarterbacks in Columbus every night; while young men were being found tasered and drunk in the streets; while barracks yards were heaped with Troy Smith's ill-gotten footwear; "AIDS Awareness" classes approved; "Golf" courses passed; and huge endowments flaunted; these campaigns were not waged Columbus, nor did the media in Bristol, with rare exceptions, speak out to condemn the dictatorship.

Those who thought that monopoly over the media, those who thought that spreading lies and slander right and left of Premier Rodriguez, would let them weaken our revolution and discredit our people, so that they could then leap upon it when it was weak, were mistaken, for the revolution today is more solid and stronger. Instead of weakening it they have strengthened it. The revolution is not intimidated by attacks. The revolution is not weakened by attacks. On the contrary, it waxes and gains strength, for this is the revolution of a valiant, fighting people.

The improved Michigan rushing assault shall exploit the soft underbelly of the $uckeye's depleted linebacking corps. GERG's lustrous mane will devise brilliant blitz packages to confuse the feeble-minded (LOL tO$U academics) Terrelle Pryor, and his lumberjack shirt. The revolution shall march under the Michigan banner as their own Arc de Triumph [ed. note - that would be L'Arc De Triomphe. I figgered you boor-zwah Michigan tahpes with yer faincy educations would know this], vanquishing the evil $uckeyes before the proletariat of Michigan. 27-14, Wolverines. BOOK IT.

Thanks, Chitownblue, for reminding us all why we hate you guys so very, very much.