This is the first post in a series that will work as a companion piece to the "Contendah" series, where I examined the top-five most popular teams in potential conference expansion discussions: Syracuse, Notre Dame, Pitt, Louisville, and Missouri. MilCardFan gave us his thoughts on Nebraska, too.

Now, I'm going to be going over the teams that always find their way into discussion for reasons that elude me. First up, Iowa State.

This spring, I read Clay Travis' Dixieland Delight (a good quick read if you can suspend knee-jerk teeth gnashing at OMG TEH SEC RULES for a few hundred pages).  Travis spent the 2006 season traveling to each of the 12 SEC schools for a game, chronicling Southern football culture.  He closed his tour by going to Ole Miss for the Egg Bowl against Mississippi State.  He talked to fans from both schools, and the dichotomy was striking.  Ole Miss prides itself as being a cultural and intellectual enclave set in a beautiful college town; it is the home of Faulkner first, of Manning second.  Mississippi State is primarily an agriculture school; their fans carry cowbells to games because a cow once wandered onto the field during a game that the Bulldogs eventually won.  There is a great passage summing up how the schools see each other:

I should remind you that Ole Miss and Mississippi State fans hate each other with an unparalleled passion.  The general consensus among Ole Miss fans is that Mississippi State fans are illiterate rednecks, while the general consensus of Mississippi State fans is that Ole Miss fans are arrogant and pretensious pansies.  This divergence of opinion is interesting because the general consensus of the rest of the country is that all Mississippians, Rebels or Bulldogs, are illiterate rednecks.

You could take that passage, replace "Ole Miss" and "Mississippi State" with "Iowa" and "Iowa State," make the other necessary changes, and completely encapsulate the Iowa/Iowa State rivalry.  Iowa prides itself on its culture and academics (have I mentioned Kurt Vonnegut and Tennessee Williams studied and/or taught here?) and generally dismisses that school in Ames as Old Milwaukee-swilling, Skoal-chewing, livestock-toting white trash.  Iowa State thinks UI is full of arrogant pricks.  Everyone else thinks all Iowans are cornfed hog-raising illiterate rednecks. 

Many Iowa fans will quickly (and wrongly) tell you ISU isn't in our league, that our true rivals are Minnesota and Wisconsin.  Don't buy it.  Either you hate Ames or you aren't a real fan.  Iowa State fans will be quick to tell you their school is just as good as Iowa (if you're talking agriculture or engineering, they're right), and that they can't go to Iowa City without getting lost on that stupid campus.  Don't buy it.  It's all part of their inferiority complex.  There is no downplaying it: It's a rivalry, and it's getting worse.  In 1992, after Iowa had won its ninth consecutive game over the Clones, then-senior defensive end (and now-Wisconsin coach) Bret Bielema crossed the field, shook ISU coach Jim Walden's hand, and said, "I've enjoyed kicking your ass for five years."  After Ames beat the crap out of a highly-rated Iowa team in 2005, Iowa State's AD Jamie "The Inconsolable" Pollard purchased billboard space on Interstate 380 north of Iowa City and erected a "Cyclone State" sign. 

It's made worse by the fact that everyone has chosen a side.  Neighborhoods are divided, house-by-house.  My boss, who attended both schools at one time or another, came to a gameday party I threw a couple of years ago in an Iowa hat and Iowa State sweatshirt; everyone in attendance wanted to kill him.  Even Iowans who didn't attend either school choose sides.  During my senior year of high school, I was relatively certain I would go to Iowa.  However, I was contacted at the eleventh hour by Iowa State - where I hadn't applied - to see if I was interested in enrolling.  There were some benefits to Ames, too:  It was closer to home, most of my friends from high school were going there, and it was cheaper.  I had been considering it for about a week when my 80 year old grandma called, demanded to talk to me, and simply said, "We don't go to Iowa State, OK?"  That statement, from an elderly woman who never attended college and hadn't been to Kinnick Stadium in her life, should tell you all you need to know about the Iowa-Iowa State rivalry.  It's not just a football game (or a basketball game, or a wrestling match).  It's a partisan struggle for superiority over the state, and it's fought block by block.

Okay, so that makes the rivalry out to be a whole lot more awesome (and less one-sided) than it would at first seem from the outside. Even a casual fan of Big Ten football knows that State has been a consistent thorn in the side of Kirk Ferentz' gritty teams (table courtesy Stassen):

 Kirk Ferentz at Iowa vs. Iowa State

As you can see, the Cyclones have had four winning seasons in that time frame, all of them coming in two sets of back-to-back seasons. So Iowa State doesn't have to be good to beat Iowa, but it's rather clear with the departure of Gene Chizik (and AD Jamie Pollard's subsequent status), they sorta flailed around mindlessly a little bit before getting turned down by Turner Gill. The Paul Rhoads hire was not in and of itself a bad hire, but it didn't exactly invigorate the fan base or cause people to re-evaluate the Iowa State dynamic in the Big 12 North.

Benefits for the conference:

- Take it away, wiki:

ISU is ranked among the top 50 public universities in the U.S. and is known for its degree programs in science, engineering, and agriculture. Overall, ISU ranks #85 in the U.S. News & World Report ranking of national universities and #21 in the Washington Monthly rankings.

So while they'd be the lowest ranked school in the Big Ten (like a few other potential additions), but it isn't like, Mississippi State. If you're an academics snob, this shouldn't offend you too much (although, of course, the conference will take this into much greater consideration than sports fans like you and I)

- Iowa State is a rather large school, with 26,000 students according to its official site. That makes it bigger than other schools I've surveyed, which means, of course greater revenue potential if they ever get good at a sport.

Drawbacks to the conference:

- It's Iowa State.

- It gets its Iowa State on.

- It's quite possibly the least exciting addition one can think of, outside of some random MAC school.

- Since 2000, the football team has gone 16-32, with losses to Northern Iowa, Toledo, UNLV, Bill Callahan's last and worst Nebraska team, pre-Robert Griffin Baylor, and last year's terrible Texas A+M squad. The basketball team made the Elite 8 in 2000, but has only been to the tourney twice since.

Could it happen?

.... No. Even Jim Delany isn't this clueless. Nothing against Iowa State, but they don't bring much to the conference athletically or academically, and while Iowa State fans may be genuinely nice folks and my perceptions may be colored by's BHGP's meth-addled conniption fits, I'm not sure what, if anything, they bring to the conference that isn't already there. Aside from jorts. And since we here in Ohio take a special bit of pride in being roughly five years behind everyone else, you know that shit is going to be filling the stands at Ohio Stadium somewhere around 2011, hoping to re-create the mojo of Florida's incredible run the past few years. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and all that.

Woody's thoughts:

Since this is about Iowa State, I figured I'd do a quick skit in honor of BHGP's Joe Pa saga

Alright, got me trusty Necronomicon, my lucky talisman, and.... klaatu, barada, nikto!

(a flash, the sound of thunder, and a crimson sky herald the arrival of Woody Hayes' spirit from beyond the grave)

  YOU JUST INTERRUPTED ONE HELL OF A BLOWJAY IN THE AFTERLIFE, MY BOY

Hey, it worked! Awesome!

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT WITH ME YOU HOMUNCULUS 

Well, Mr. Hayes, this isn't hell, it's the year 2009, and I run the official SBN Ohio State e-blog We Will Always Have Tempe, and I just have a few questions for you.

WAIT, YOU'RE HUMAN?!

Almost. I'm a blogger.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? BEA ARTHUR ISN'T EXACTLY AN EASY LAY, YOU KNOW. I WORKED MONTHS FOR THAT POLE-POLISHING.

...Right. She's barely been dead a month. Anyway, what is it with senile coaches and yelling?

I IMAGINE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH US GETTING OUR JIMMIES STOMPED ON REPEATEDLY BY SWEATY SUB-HUMAN MONGOLOIDS LIKE YOU EVERY YEAR! GUYS WHO COULDN'T COACH THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS TO A POP WARNER TITLE, EVEN IF THE TEAM WAS HOPPED UP ON CORNELIUS GREENE'S HAPPY DUST, GUYS WHO COULDN'T -

Alright, I think I get the picture. Second: What do you think of

DON'T INTERRUPT ME, BOY-O, I'LL THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR FUCKIN' ASS

I hate to break it to you, but you're incorporeal. Your hands and legs would just pass through me.

ARE YOU GONNA ASK A QUESTION OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO FIND YOUR GRANDFATHER IN THE AFTERLIFE AND SKULLFUCK HIM REPEATEDLY WITH MY LEGENDARY 18-INCH RAMBURGLAR?

Uh. Well, what would you think of Iowa State joining the Big Ten in its current state?

IOWA STATE? WHERE EARLE CAME FROM?

Oh yes, for those of you not in the know, Earle Bruce was hired from Iowa State after Woody got, uh, let go. Bruce experienced some success at Ohio State, and was a -

PROLIFIC PEDERAST

Wait, what?

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT EARLE'S INTERESTS INCLUDE FOOTBALL, COACHING, FOOTBALL, DROPPING ACID, RADIO-TALKIN', AND LITTLE BOYS

Okay, coach, that's just totally unsubstantiated. Coach Bruce has been happily married for over 50 years to -

A 5-YEAR OLD TAIWANESE BOY BY THE NAME OF WANG CHUG.

*sigh*

I KID, I KID. EARLE AND I ARE GOOD FRIENDS, HE KNOWS I'M JUST MESSING AROUND. WHERE WAS I? OH YES, IOWA STATE. STATE'S THE NAME, PODUNK'S THE GAME. I RECOMMEND BRINGING MACE (BOTH THE MEDIEVAL WEAPON AND THE LADIES' DEFENSE MECHANISM) AND A BOTTLE OF LUBE TO ANYTHING GOING ON IN AMES. GOOD TIMES.

.... thoughts on their athletic program?

THEY PLAY FOOTBALL?

Yes, Coach Hayes, they play football. Badly. But they do it. Oh God, I hope no one from Ames reads this. Thanks for the time, Coach Hayes. I'll be needing your services again, I think.

TELL CHARLIE BAUMAN HIS MOTHER HAS A SWEET ASS FOR ME

.... no.

A REAL COCK GREMLIN SHE IS

Thanks again, Coach Hayes. Now go away. For now. (closes Necronomicon)

Coach Hayes' spirit swirls back down into his grave, flashing that genuine folksy grin of his, ethereal middle fingers wagging in all directions.