O Fair Maiden College Football

We wish to suckle upon your awesome teat one last time

133 days. That's the length of the offseason starting today. April 25th is an oasis in the maddeningly-long offseason desert, in which many sports try to provide comparable entertainment to the college football season and fall short; in many cases well short (I'm looking right at you, hockey and baseball).  September 5th is the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Nothing compares to you, college football. In your honor, I will be writing stream-of-consciousness notes on Ohio State's spring game.  Afterwards, I will weep softly, probably rub one out, and watch the NFL draft. Ugh. I don't want to think about it.

Pre-game

Obviously, this is being broadcasted live by 10tv in Columbus, Ohio and sparingly on the BTN.

- Bobby Carpenter is working the sideline, with his glorious hair tied back into a ponytail. Hair, like spice, must flow, Bobby.

- According to the spring game draft coverage, one of the teams is short a tackle. I'm sure that'll be fun to watch.

- Pryor hits the field, crowd goes nuts. YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE, CHILD.

- Eleven Warriors has the roster for those who missed it

- ground-breaking analysis from the pre-game: it'll be hard to replace Beanie Wells!

- Brandon Saine has been the focus of the offseason hype, but I maintain that Herron will get the majority of carries. In a typical 30-carry game, Herron will probably get 17 and Brandon will get 13, depending on how Hyde and Berry progress. Running Backs Coach Dick Tressel just hinted that a dual system may indeed be the way to go. I BEEN SAYIN' IT, I BEEN SAYIN' IT FOR TEN DAMN YEARS [/Randy Quaid in Independence Day]

- Taurian Washington has an "urgency" to get on the field. Could it be because the last few spring games he has lit it up and still has yet to see serious game time action? Is this guy Bam Childress re-incarnate or what?

- Penn State will not be "just as good" as last year. They won't be bad, but they'll take a step down. Just like everyone else who was good in the Big Ten last year, including OSU.

- Pryor didn't "beat out" Todd Boeckman. Tressel had no choice. Behind a competent line, Boeckman would have been the starter. This is no knock on Pryor.

- Pryor insists "we're gonna throw the ball". I like the sound of it. Whether or not we'll see it delivered is another question.

- Pryor seems like a good kid, with about as much swagger and arrogance as the typical kid his age. I don't buy the headcase rumors at all.

- Terrelle definitely looks bigger and thicker last year. Got great hip swivel and body control, too. And now, thematically appropriate music!

- Krenzel has officially become an endorsement whore. I can't blame him, but you simply gotta see this commercial of him riding around in circle on a John Deere lawnmower, John Deere shirt and John Deere hat.

- Estimate of 60,000 in attendance. Eh, I guess so. So much for 100,000 to impress the recruits.

- So I guess the OSU LAX team got smacked by the Domers. Ho-hum.

- Guh. I hate laying claim to 4 titles in a row when you know we didn't really win the Big Ten last year.

- 60,000 might have actually been conservative. The entire lower bowl looks full. That or CBS is choosing its wide shots carefully.

- Pryor is 8-1 as a starter. Not bad for a true freshman, no matter what Michigan fans might say.

- Solomon Thomas is getting pre-game hype for his seven sack performance in the jersey scrimmage.

- Austin Spitler - I remember you from '06 Michigan and LSU. I'ma keepin' my eye of on you.

- Wells, Wilson, Williams, Rose, Shugarts and Sanzenbacher won't be playing. What's up with Shugarts?

- Wow, Beanie's at the game. Odd. Also on the Herron/Saine bandwagon. Good on ya, Tankly One. Nice specs, too.

- Lawrence Wilson sporting the fro-hawk. Beautiful.

- Jesus, this really was  a pre-game: it went on far too long and it ceaselessly went over talking points we've known for months

-  National anthem time. I think this is starting, so jump!

First Quarter

- Gray won the toss, deferred to the second half. The team lead by Bauserman and Boom will be on offense first.

- Tressel is rocking the Sledgenuts get-up again. Do it every game this year, Jim, and I'll forgive the presence of Bollman

- High winds blow the ball off the tee. Passing game improvement expectations: lowered.

- Thomas muffs the return, downs it in the end zone. Don't tell me we picked up Michigan syndrome.

- Bauserman has the black jersey on. Fumbled snap. Recovered by the defense. Great start!

- So if the Terrelle Pryor-led team doesn't score here on at least a field goal, can we fire Bollman? 

- Two passes to start the game. One to a fullback, the other a Texas game-style lob Washington. Yikes. I think I prefer off-tackle right for once.

- And the third pass hits Saine on an 8-yard gain. Pryor is 2/3 for 8. Jim Tressel pops a firm chub: field goal time!

Gray 3, Scarlet 0.

- Good return by Thomas. The hole formed early, and he hit it, cutting outside when it nearly got filled by the coverage unit.

- Yikes. Offensive line just got tooled on. This line has Cordle, Browning and Adams. It should be good.

- Heacock wants to know how his ass taste, Bollman.

- Bauserman with a pretty pass to DeVier Posey. 

- 5 wides for Bauserman, and they run a draw, and it works. Nice work by the line. 

- Lamaar Thomas is a bit hesitant in space, attempting to Reggie Bush a guy rather than just go aroud him. If he had taken that outside, he may have been gone.

- Bauserman Boeckmans a long one, underthrowing it by two or three yards. DeVier nearly came back to it, so give Posey credit on that one. Aaaand, punt.

So the defenses are dominating early, and those poor coeds are getting bored.

- AARGH SMALL. Pryor's prettiest pass of the day bounces off his hands.

- YAY SMALL. Another great pass, and Small redeems himself a little bit. First down.

- Lots of passing for Pryor. Tyler Moeller had the angle on Pryor, who attempted to run out of the pocket. Great play by the former safety.

- Eh. The Gray running game will be lacking, considering the back-up is a walk-on. 3rd and something, offensive line gets dominated, aaand punt.

Mixed results on that last drive. Not sure what to think of either unit.

- So, on the local coverage: football players and wrestlers in drag for some talent show. I never, ever want to see that again.

- Herron's vision and anticipation is what makes him so dangerous. I'll be shocked if he gets fewer than 1100 yards this year. And he runs tougher than he looks.

- Ohio State is so thin at RB right now, it's affecting this game. The back-ups are walk-ons, so the bread-and-butter of the running game isn't going anywhere.

Second Quarter

- Ugh, another Buckeye Mega-fan. Captain America in Scarlet and Gray.

- And the offensive line gets beat again. Rob Rose is on the field? Said he was injured in the pre-game. Odd. PUUUUUUUUUUUNT

- Or rather, a missed field goal. EXCITEMENT.

- Jesus. Pryor in the contact jersey, gets sacked.

- Crowd starts an O-H-I--O to assure themselves they're alive. Good play by Pryor, avoids a sack and hits an open man for short yardage.

- Pryor throws a dart for nine yards, but it's short. Damn. He looked good after the sack, so he didn't let it get to his head.

Well, this is deflating. A quarter and a half of our new, speedy explosive offense has yielded all of three points.

- Well, walk-on QB and running back out on the field. Announcers are now saying 95,000? Sounds like 20,000, but that's with good reason.

- Said walk-on is driving down the field, hitting Posey for a moderate gain.

- He-hey, Storm Klein! First freshman to contribute in some way today.To be fair, he's one of four.

- Pryor hits Washington, who may have fumbled. Please, let us keep the ball, because I want the offense to look something resembling competent.

- Washington makes another great grab. He's doing his thing again.

- Pryor is looking good, and the offensive line is looking about three degrees off mediocre. I'd say that's some improvement for them.

- 44 FUCKING YARDS TO TAURIAN FUCKING WASHINGTON. MONEY.

Scarlet 10, Gray 0.

- Onside kick? Poor Scarlet team.

- Another dart to Washington. Pryor looks like a genuine passer today.

- RAY SMALL IN THE HEEZY. Beautiful pass by Pryor, ridiculous moves by Ray-Ray. Muy caliente.

- Pryor went 13/18 in the first half for 191 yards and two touchdowns. When he's given time, he'll destroy you and all you've ever believed in.

Scarlet 17, Gray 0

- Lamaar Thomas fumbles another return. Worrisome, but not the end of the world.

Okay, so through two quarters, it's the TP show. Herron looked excellent, Saine looked great, but the passing game came alive at the ass-end of the second quarter, with Washington providing the consistent threat and Ray Small showing some serious moves darting through the secondary. Pryor insisted while leaving the field that he wants to be a quarterback who can run.

Third Quarter

- Brandon Saine with a 15-yard jaunt to open the second half. Follows it up with another sizeable scamper. Siems doesn't have to do shit. Saine has looked a bit more confident abandoning his fear of hits and hitting the hole (TWSS) with tenacity, quickness and excellent vision.

- And on cue, Siems is sacked by Todd Denlinger.

- Gene Smith says 95,000 at the game. We may beat the SEC in something (Bama had 92,000 at its game a few years back)!

- Thad Gibson has two sacks, by the way, in limited action. And the walk-on just got rocked by Spitler.

- Pettrey booms a field goal.

Gray 20, Scarlet 0.

 - Stadium emptying out. Nothing of note happening. Bauserman can move a bit; he's not quite the leadfoot Boecks was.

- Scarlet's on the board following a haphazard drive and a field goal.

Gray 20, Scarlet 3

- Marcus Williams, a walk-on, just owned a defense that has quite a few starters lining up for it - Moeller and Russell, the two who caught him - among them. Spitler too. That ain't good.

- Defense tightens up in the red zone, and Pettrey booms a field goal.

The fourth quarter stars somewhere around here (balancing Fallout 3 and this game, sue me)

Gray 23, Scarlet 3

Well, the kicking game looks fine.

- aaand on cue, fail: 20 yard kickoff limpdicks its way to midfield.

- Bauserman back on the field, with walk-on running backs.

- Nice pass to Posey on a comeback.  Bauserman and Pryor have both looked good; our quarterback situation is far better than anyone gives us credit for.

- James Jackson with a pretty catch downfield from Bauserman, less than three minutes left in the game. Bauserman tosses a pick to some walk-on. Tough way to end a game in which he was rather consistent.

And we officially have line-ups composed entirely of players I no longer recognize, meaning: WALK-ONS, all up in this joint. Time for closing thoughts:

The defense still looks tough on both sides of the ball, but I did not expect a massive dropoff for them. Heacock's defenses are nothing if not consistent against Big Ten offenses.

In sum, the offensive line did not look as abjectly awful as I had feared, but it still clearly has issues in pass pro. Outside of one or two early collapses, the run blocking appeared to have returned to form. The front seven for both teams has been nasty, but the secondary for the Scarlet team has had a few breakdowns. Pryor's passing was pinpoint in the second quarter, so I would not say this means DOOOOOOM for the secondary. Keep in mind, they're rather green.

So what did we learn, kiddies? The offensive line might not be as bad as I had feared, BUT there are some questions about the quality of the secondary, and Marcus Williams busting a big one in the second half against starters can't be a good thing. I'll be providing further breakdowns next week.