During the Second World War, the United States army produced a series of informational shorts known collectively as Why We Fight. During that time, it was obvious to many Americans why the country was at war; Nazi Germany was the bad guys who do bad things, and we're the good guys. Why We Fight acted as a knowingly-slanted series of reminders as to the importance of the struggle for Europe.

Today, I do not seek to convince you to hate Michigan with my own spin on the Why We Fight strategy. I assume that, as Buckeye fans, you understand why it must be so. However, you may not be entirely clear on the details. If you are here as a neutral party, perhaps you will be swayed by my invective, but if you are not, it's no skin off my back; as long as you willingly acknowledge that by not hating Michigan, you are in fact supporting the eminently detestable Wolverine cause. Friends, I am here to present you with a refresher course on just why we despise those elitist dweebs up North. I shall refrain from the use of childish internet monikers that Michigan has earned; "scUM", "MichiscUM", "skunkbears", and worst all, "meatchicken", as they are a) not funny and b)  not particularly clever. Instead, I will refer to Michigan in the following ways:

- The Wolverines

- Michigan

- Simply "The Hun", in the manner of the brilliant, if flawed General George S. Patton. This is meant to be offensive to no group of people outside of Michigan fans.

I have attempted to combine the reasons for hate into an easily digestible, four-part format, and in the future, I hope this will serve as a simple compendium of anti-Wolverine knowledge; a Buckeye manifesto for this special time of year. 

Why We Hate Michigan

The Feigned Supremacy

We begin with the differing cultures of Ohio State and Michigan. With Ohio State, it's difficult to peg down a defined culture; almost assuredly, The Hun will tell you that Ohio State fans are a classless breed, comprised mostly of proud, arrogant rednecks who probably didn't even attend the "subpar" school in Columbus. Perhaps this is so. But to my knowledge, we as a fanbase make no bones about who we are, and I have never once seen an Ohio State fan look down upon another because he happened to be a hick. I'm sure it occurs in isolated instances, but it is by no means a pandemic.

At Michigan, things are different. There is an arrogance in the air, a haugtiness that penetrates deeply into the Hun psyche. From their ivory tower, Wolverine partisans look down upon anyone who does not fit a poorly-defined set of standards; those of the "Michigan Man". The terminology is derived from a quote by a great, if misled and foolhardy man, and one of the Hun's most revered leaders: Glenn  "Bo" Schembechler.

An angry Schembechler declared, "A Michigan man will coach Michigan, not an Arizona State man." He refused to accept Frieder's 21-day notice and named assistant Steve Fisher the interim coach. The Wolverines went on to win the national championship by beating Seton Hall 80-79 in overtime.

In its earliest stages, the designation seemed relatively simple - a Michigan Man is one who is devoted to the interests, pursuits, and the betterment of the University of Michigan, and not to those of any other university. It's an honorable distinction, despite the fact that it is used to promote dishonorable ends (i.e. beating Ohio State, winning more than 3 games a season in football, etc.) Often, however, the quote is improperly paraphrased, and shortened to simply

A MICHIGAN MAN will coach MICHIGAN

By removing the Arizona State comparison, Michigan fans, who have unknowlingly corrupted Bo's legacy of honesty and integrity, have rendered the phrase meaningless. What the hell is a "Michigan Man"? Ask any Hun, and he will be hard-pressed to give you an answer. Yet, somehow, some of these same people claim to know what a Michigan Man is not.

Since his arrival at the University of Michigan, Rich Rodriguez has faced many questions. It's understandable; he is a football coach at a prestigious institution, and should be held accountable. Slowly, the attacks on him and the criticism of his team has become more and more removed from the product on the field and greater importance has been placed on various off-the-field shenanigans. Whether Rich Rodriguez works his players "too hard" is something I am not qualified to answer. What I will say is this: from the moment Rich Rodriguez was named Lloyd Carr's successor, he faced undue scrutiny, and this undue scrutiny is placed on him in large part thanks to this nonsensical "Michigan Man" ethos.

Whatever your opinion on the man, you have to acknowledge that he simply can't control who he is, and where he is from. Before Rich Rodriguez had even arrived on campus, there was a burgeoning, prideful, xenophobic sentiment within the fanbase rising against him, because he was not "one of them"; he was not a member of the Bo Schembechler legacy. He was not refined. He was not genteel. He was actually far more likable than Lloyd Carr could ever hope to be. The nebulous "Michigan Man" designation is simply a ridiculous standard to apply to any football coach, yet many Michigan fans refuse to accept this; "We're Michigan!" they shout. "We hold him to our standards, to the standards of Bo! Not to anyone else's!" More of the meaningless, whiny bitching we've come to expect from the Hun, and completely ignorant of the fact that Bo himself was not only an outsider, but had previously worked at hated Ohio State.  But ridiculous standards are not unique to Michigan, but the incredible capacity to deny having ridiculous standards is.

The Hypocrisy

Flowing forth from the aforementioned arrogance is an utter inability to acknowledge similarities to other fanbases among the Hun Horde. They blast other fanbases, particularly our own, for pulling the pink slip trigger too quickly on failed coaches, for berating them for wearing their colors with pride, and for the standards to which they hold their football programs. Of course, Michigan fans are guilty of all three of the aforementioned tendencies. I've already discussed their inability to assess the program's overall and develop reasonable standards from such an assessment. As a result of said inability, they are unable to hold their new coach to shrewdly-derived, prudent standards, declaring "BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIPS OR GO!" from the moment his first team hits the field. Ohio State suffers from a similar set of problems, as do most football programs. But many Huns fail to acknowledge it, and in doing so, are not nearly as dissimilar from other fanbases as they may claim. Moreover, they routinely blast Ohio State fans for their "classless" treatment of visiting Huns, while turning a blind eye not only to the actions of their own fanbase - any  trip down frat row in opposing colors will get you your share of jeers - but those of other rowdy fanbases, such as Penn State, Iowa and Michigan State. The hypocrisy of the Hun knows no bounds, and the sooner we acknowledge it, and force them to acknowledge it, the better we'll all be.

The Agony

Some say the devil is dead it's not as fun, or that it's hard to hate the Hun when they are down. This is simply not the case; it's twice as fun to hate the Hun when he is down, and out for the count. If you do not take pleasure in his pain, you will surely reap the reward of double the pain when he has found his legs again, because you will not have taken the shots you should have while he was lying prone, and irrelevant on the national scene. If the following videos do nothing for you, I ask that you lay down your Buckeye beads and root for Northwestern:

Was that not FUN?!

The Ecstasy

The last reason that Michigan must be hated, and defeated, for the good of Ohio State and for the good of humanity as a whole, is that they can always rebound. They can always get better. They've been good in the past. There isn't any real reason to believe they won't be good again. When they're good, they let you know it. Incessantly. Most fanbases do, but when it's the Hun, it comes with an inflated sense of superiority fueled by the latest US News and World Report College Rankings, or some other arbitrary collection of data that proves some vague point; whether it be something as asinine as "Michigan is empirically better than Ohio State" or something as pompous as "Michigan is the Harvard of the West". Football success only breeds more arrogance; Michigan shares this particular trait with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and its fanbase, and yet again, is by and large unable to admit as much.

Parting Thoughts

Hating Michigan is a hallowed pastime, and it should be preserved for our posterity. Not every single reason to hate Michigan is contained above; extraneous reasons ("Mike Hart is a d-bag", "Desmond Howard shouldn't be allowed within 30 feet of a microphone") vary from person to person. But if anyone ever asks you why you hate Michigan so much, and you find yourself so overcome with emotion that your hatred cannot be properly verbalized, kindly, send them this way. They will understand.