Joe Ohio State Message Board Denizen's Dissertation on the Ohio State Offense
by Sam @ WWAHT on Dec 12, 2008 4:16 PM EST
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Hello fellow BUCKEYE FANS, I'm Joe Ohio State Message Board Denizen and I've got somethin' I been wantin' to say for a really long TAHME.
ALRIGHT, we all know of this team's FAILURES on the BIGGEST STAGE the last few years. We know that due to Jim Tressel's CONSERVATIVE OFFENSIVE PHILOSIFY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN WINNIN' THE BIG GAMES AGAINST THE BIG BOYS. He has failed the PROGRAM, the BUCKEYE NATION, and most importantly of all, he has failed ME. He has SHAMED me in the presence of my NON-BUCKEYE FAN (AKA FAGS OLOLOLOLOL) COWORKERS. Now I'm gonna git to the defensive philosophy in my NEXT post, here I'm gonna tell Jim how he MUST RUN THE OFFENSE in the upcoming BOWL GAME AGAINST UT (LOL ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS OLOLOLOLOLOL)
1. Play with SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. GET ALL OUR SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED ON THE FIELD.
2. PLAY AGGRESSIVE. 3rd and 1? Call a deep post pattern! Patton woulda done it! Ya gotta do the unexpected to win the unexpected, Jimbo!
(Ed. note: I shit you not, that last line was something I read on Scout shortly after the Penn State game. I can't find the link, though. I fear the thread - full of treasures similar to that one - was locked, and is lost forever. I don't know about you, but the minute I read it, it became the guiding philosophy of my life)
3. BE AGGRESSIVE! B-E AGGRESSIVE! This might seem simlar to my first point, but it's something we aren't enough of anymore. I wanna spread 'em out. I want to get 'em in space. I want us to UTILIZE our ATHLETES. I want catchphrases and overused football clichés!
4. RUN OPEN COMPETITION PRACTICES. It werks for USC, so it'll work for us! There's no way an entire offseason of practicing, drills, and meticulous analysis of players' abilities will let you create a bonafahde DEPTH CHART. YA GOTTA BENCH 'EM THE MOMENT THEY MAKE EVEN THE SMALLEST MISTAKE. WOODY WOULD APPROVE.
5. BE UNCONVENTIONAL. Everyone always be tellin' me that you got something you're hahdin' from us all Jim, and that ya been done doin' that since before we played the UNIVERSITY OF SPOILED CHILDREN OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!1111 Well I'm not sure ah buy it anymoar. For the bowl game, I got some ideas for plays that I'm sure will work against the SHORTHORNS OLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!11one GET IT SHORTHORN = SMALL COCK OLOLOLOLOL!!!111one
a. Double reverse triple option flea flicker screen to Todd Boeckman. KEEP THE EYES OF TEXAS ON THE BACKFIELD, LOL! Then BOOM, Rehring and Co. are HUSTLIN' DOWNFIELD like DOUGGY DATS IN THE '06 FIESTA BOWL!
b. TACKLE ELIGIBLE PLAY - If Alex Boone getting consistently beat by speed rushers tells me anything, it is that he can tote the ball downfield with the best of him. Get our 300-pounders in space, Jim!!!!!!11one
c. ONCE TEXAS BITES ON PLAY A, ya gotta run the DOUBLE REVERSE TRIPE OPTION DUBBLE BUBBLE SCREEN TO LAMAAR THOMAS, cuz we all knows SPEED KILLS, and LaMaaaaarrr's got that SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. I SEE HIS SPEED ALL THE TIME ON CAMPUS WHEN I PARK MY CAR ILLEGALLY BY THE CENTRAL CLASSROOM BUILDING, MASSAGE MY MUSTACHE AND SLOWLY SLIDE MY HANDS DOWN MY LEVI'S AS I WATCH HIM HURRY TO CLASS
*ahem*
Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU CAN NOT FAIL BUCKEYE NATION AGAIN, JIM. WE DESERVE A BOWL WIN, AND NOTHING LESS. Anything short of it, and you can go shake John Cooper's hand at the unemployment office NEXT SEASON, because you're a massive FAILURE of a coach and my entire OPINION of you hinges on this ONE GAME.
GO BUCKS, scUM sucks ROFLMAOPWNED!
ALRIGHT, we all know of this team's FAILURES on the BIGGEST STAGE the last few years. We know that due to Jim Tressel's CONSERVATIVE OFFENSIVE PHILOSIFY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN WINNIN' THE BIG GAMES AGAINST THE BIG BOYS. He has failed the PROGRAM, the BUCKEYE NATION, and most importantly of all, he has failed ME. He has SHAMED me in the presence of my NON-BUCKEYE FAN (AKA FAGS OLOLOLOLOL) COWORKERS. Now I'm gonna git to the defensive philosophy in my NEXT post, here I'm gonna tell Jim how he MUST RUN THE OFFENSE in the upcoming BOWL GAME AGAINST UT (LOL ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS OLOLOLOLOLOL)
1. Play with SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. GET ALL OUR SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED ON THE FIELD.
2. PLAY AGGRESSIVE. 3rd and 1? Call a deep post pattern! Patton woulda done it! Ya gotta do the unexpected to win the unexpected, Jimbo!
(Ed. note: I shit you not, that last line was something I read on Scout shortly after the Penn State game. I can't find the link, though. I fear the thread - full of treasures similar to that one - was locked, and is lost forever. I don't know about you, but the minute I read it, it became the guiding philosophy of my life)
3. BE AGGRESSIVE! B-E AGGRESSIVE! This might seem simlar to my first point, but it's something we aren't enough of anymore. I wanna spread 'em out. I want to get 'em in space. I want us to UTILIZE our ATHLETES. I want catchphrases and overused football clichés!
4. RUN OPEN COMPETITION PRACTICES. It werks for USC, so it'll work for us! There's no way an entire offseason of practicing, drills, and meticulous analysis of players' abilities will let you create a bonafahde DEPTH CHART. YA GOTTA BENCH 'EM THE MOMENT THEY MAKE EVEN THE SMALLEST MISTAKE. WOODY WOULD APPROVE.
5. BE UNCONVENTIONAL. Everyone always be tellin' me that you got something you're hahdin' from us all Jim, and that ya been done doin' that since before we played the UNIVERSITY OF SPOILED CHILDREN OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!1111 Well I'm not sure ah buy it anymoar. For the bowl game, I got some ideas for plays that I'm sure will work against the SHORTHORNS OLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!11one GET IT SHORTHORN = SMALL COCK OLOLOLOLOL!!!111one
a. Double reverse triple option flea flicker screen to Todd Boeckman. KEEP THE EYES OF TEXAS ON THE BACKFIELD, LOL! Then BOOM, Rehring and Co. are HUSTLIN' DOWNFIELD like DOUGGY DATS IN THE '06 FIESTA BOWL!
b. TACKLE ELIGIBLE PLAY - If Alex Boone getting consistently beat by speed rushers tells me anything, it is that he can tote the ball downfield with the best of him. Get our 300-pounders in space, Jim!!!!!!11one
c. ONCE TEXAS BITES ON PLAY A, ya gotta run the DOUBLE REVERSE TRIPE OPTION DUBBLE BUBBLE SCREEN TO LAMAAR THOMAS, cuz we all knows SPEED KILLS, and LaMaaaaarrr's got that SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. I SEE HIS SPEED ALL THE TIME ON CAMPUS WHEN I PARK MY CAR ILLEGALLY BY THE CENTRAL CLASSROOM BUILDING, MASSAGE MY MUSTACHE AND SLOWLY SLIDE MY HANDS DOWN MY LEVI'S AS I WATCH HIM HURRY TO CLASS
*ahem*
Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU CAN NOT FAIL BUCKEYE NATION AGAIN, JIM. WE DESERVE A BOWL WIN, AND NOTHING LESS. Anything short of it, and you can go shake John Cooper's hand at the unemployment office NEXT SEASON, because you're a massive FAILURE of a coach and my entire OPINION of you hinges on this ONE GAME.
GO BUCKS, scUM sucks ROFLMAOPWNED!
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